Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
