I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
