Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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