When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
