just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
