Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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