please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
