if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize