Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
