is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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