Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
