Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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