The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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