I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
