My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
