I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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