Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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