I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
