Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
