my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
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I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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