So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
last night I used snow as a chaser
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
