Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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