I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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