don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Watching her eat just hurts me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
