You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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