I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
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You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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