decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
