I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
