my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
