The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
