Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
