in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
