we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
