If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
