your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
