Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
