Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You have to summon your inner elephant
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
my liver is dry heaving
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
