There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
