How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
