You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need a beard to bite.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
