Where did you get a picture of my penis
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
