Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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