Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
