Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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