I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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