i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
