I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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