cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
