Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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