I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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