NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I stole a fireplace last night.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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