All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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