When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
