i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
