you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I have already put on my inside pants.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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